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- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Doug Rosenberg.
- Doug Rosenberg doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Doug Rosenberg has allowed to live.
- Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Doug Rosenberg.
- Doug Rosenberg does not sleep. He waits.
- Doug Rosenberg is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- Doug Rosenberg counted to infinity - twice.
- In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Doug Rosenberg turned that wine into beer.
- There is no chin behind Doug Rosenberg’s beard. There is only another fist.
- When Doug Rosenberg does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
- Doug Rosenberg is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
- Doug Rosenberg’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
- There is no such thing as global warming. Doug Rosenberg was cold, so he turned the sun up.
- Doug Rosenberg can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- Doug Rosenberg doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
- Doug Rosenberg gave Mona Lisa that smile.
- Doug Rosenberg can slam a revolving door.
- Doug Rosenberg does not get frostbite. Doug Rosenberg bites frost
- Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Dougtatorship.
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